Ever since I saw those two little pink lines (almost exactly a year ago)indicating that in nine short months, and probably even before that, I prayed earnestly that the birth of my first little one would mean I would be able to stay home with him or her and focus entirely on being a wife and mom.
You can imagine my disappointment when I realized this Fall that this was a dream that was going to be put on hold. I felt sad, and I felt angry. I couldn't help feeling that maybe God felt I wasn't a good enough mother to be home full-time with my baby, and that he needed someone else. Or maybe my prayers had been selfish and therefore left unanswered. I wondered if I had made a mistake, and had I chosen a more lucrative career I'd be in a better position to be able to leave it. I tried not to resent my husband's choice of a career that is almost entirely commission-based.
Sometimes, God's answer to prayer is not now. In a few short days I'll be starting a new school year with a classroom of 31 fourth graders. A friend of mine once said that you can think of God's plans like a tapestry. We can only see the back- a seemingly confusing mix of colors and threads that don't always make sense. God sees the front- he knows exactly what it looks like, and is weaving a perfect and beautiful design. Perhaps, there is something in His plan that I can't see. There's a chance that one or two or maybe more of those 31 children need me. Benjamin gets to have me every day for a good portion of the day. Some of those children in my classroom may be in situations in their lives where they need to have someone who can provide them with love and stability that they aren't currently getting at home. Maybe there is a child who needs a confidence boost that could change the course of his or her life which I am perfectly designed to be able to give them. And maybe it's about me. Perhaps God has a lesson or goal for me that I can only learn through the experiences I will have over the course of the next nine months of the school year.
I may never know why God has chosen for me to return to the classroom this year. I do know that I see Him working in my husband's career, and I can continue to hope and pray that He has plans for things to change after this school year. I'm also very proud of my husband who is extremely talented in his field and is working as hard as he can to make my dream come true for our family as soon as possible.
In the meantime, I will thank God that he has provided a wonderful sitter who will be a cheerful, loving, Godly example to my little Ben, and that if I must work it's at a job that I love and which allows me to have fewer hours and much more time off than many other careers would.
And you can bet that I'll be enjoying and loving every minute that I do get to have with my little one when I am home.